Robots in disguise? No. Michael Bay - film maker in disguise. He has taken a cult classic and turned it into a steaming pile of utter junk of the “Yeeh hawww! God bless America variety.” Certainly, he should never be allowed near a movie studio ever again. Here’s why…..

You would think that Transformers would be a film about robots. No, in fact the only time robots make it into the film is to appear in cabaret style slapstick sketches where they incompetently fall about the place. They are like extras from a pantomime, lacking any personality, led by incredibly boring Optimus Prime who comes across a sort of Treebeard, from Lord of the Rings, with a number plate strapped - he really is that bland in this film.

A massively disappointing thing in the film is that all the Transformers look the same - kind of like a couple of electricity pylons stuck together. It’s actually hard to tell Megatron, the ultimate baddie, from any of the robots because they all look the same. Poor Megatron doesn’t even have his trademark canon strapped on his arm??? And Optimus Prime… well.. he has lips - no doubt this is to give the audience something ‘human’ to identify with. However the only thing this movie could be identified with is the type of thing that you flush down a toilet after a long night on the beer. Yes, it’s that bad.

And to top it off the film can’t resist rolling out the usual racial stereotypes

  • The black people in the film are portrayed as stupid and fat

  • The dialogue is peppered with things such as ‘Could the Iranians have invented this weapons system? No, they’re not smart enough. It must be the Chinese or the Russians…’ (not an exact quote as I’m trying to forget things about this film but close enough)

  • And whilst the autobots collapse clumsily around the place, the U.S. marines fly in to save the day. Wup dawg!

The Autobots and the Decepticons also never really get to have a good fight with each other. For example when Megatron and Optimus tee off they look more like a couple of fat wrestlers bumbling each other around that robots having a death match. You don’t really get to see much, just a blurry zoomed in camera on their shoulders as they tussle about like drunks thrown out after closing time. There are a few saving graces to this movie. The acting isn’t bad, there’s a few funny gags along the way, the lead female in the film - Megan Fox - does a very good job of looking hot, the small boom-box radio transformer at the start of the film is funny and has a bit of personality.

But the bottom line, if you want to watch a war film - along the lines of Armageddon or something - then this might pass the time for you. Think of this as Iraq with cabaret robots. If you, like me, grew up with Optimus and Co and were hoping for a strong appearance on the silver screen then this is two and half hours of your life that you’ll want back! But like the brilliance of the original series - you can’t have it!